Humility Affords A Graceful Exit

Edition #78 — February 13, 2006.

I'll begin by proudly coining a phrase: humility affords a graceful exit. Pretty good, huh?

Think about it. There's no way to salvage your dignity after being caught in a whopping lie or after making a huge mistake when you've advertised yourself as one of that rare breed of faultless human beings; the kind who only screw up when it's somebody else's fault.

In that light, I want to lovingly skewer a few celebrities. After all, the media is constantly parading these immaculately groomed show cats for us to envy. Coughing up a few fur balls is inevitable.


Britney Spears - Oops, My Baby's Dead!

You have to admire a really bad liar. Imagine the courage it takes to be caught red-handed and still maintain your innocence. This month I direct my admiration toward bubble gum sex puppet crooner, Britney Spears. A recent photo showed a rather serene and relaxed looking Ms. Spears without her seat belt on, driving along the freeway with her four month old baby sitting between her and the steering wheel.

Anyone see a problem? Well, if Britney had been forced to put the brakes on, that soft little baby skull would have made a disgusting stain on the windshield. You do the math: 130 plus pounds of Britney launched forward at 50 miles per hour toward the steering wheel. We're talking potential dead baby joke here; Alice Cooper territory. And more media coverage for Britney, so it's not all bad.

Based upon the photo, any sane person's conclusion is that Britney Spears has knowingly put her own and her baby's life in danger. This sends the message that she doesn't care; that maybe she's an unfit mother (although she's obviously good at picking her husbands...).

So what did our Ms. Britney have to say about endangering her baby's life when she was caught in the act?

"I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."

Huh? Reality Check translation: She protected her baby from danger by putting its life in danger. Wait Britney, I'm lost already. Explain it again.

Ironically, a common human folly is that we assume others are no smarter than we are when we're lying — and no dumber when we're trying to explain ourselves. But if this photo is any indication, Britney is about as good a mother as she was a virgin.

P.S. Britney eventually admitted that she may have made a mistake (because of the paparazzi) but we should get over it and move on. Hmmm, do I sense a dead baby joke in Britney's future? As Wayne Gretzky's wife, Janet, would say: "You can bet on it!"


Hey Janet, Have You Seen My Wallet?

According to police reports, Wayne Gretzky's wife has spent about $500,000 dollars on illegal gambling in the last 6 weeks. If she's got a bad habit, she could be spending that kind of money EVERY six weeks.

Considering that Janet is married to "the great one," Wayne Gretzky, money probably isn't a problem. But even Wayne isn't "bottomless" and at that projected rate, Janet could be spending 4.3 million dollars a year on gambling. Over time, if she lost more than she won (as is the norm for gambling), that could put a serious dent in the Gretzky empire.

Which might explain something that's been bugging me for years.

Since his retirement from hockey, I've watched Wayne Gretzky become a commercial whore. He's been using his hard-won and well-deserved image as an embassador for hockey to sell everything from Ford trucks to pain killers and McDonalds fast food to the public. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if he joins Celine Dion in Vegas soon. After all, the money's good.

But this latest NHL scandal might explain why Wayne is constantly appearing on televison to peddle products that have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with his hockey greatness. Maybe it's not just for vanity and greed that he's exploiting his image. Maybe he's trying to keep himself out of the poor house because of Janet's gambling.

When I think about the excess and gluttony of rich people gambling to make even more money, it makes me angry. After all, that $500,000 that Janet so senselessly wasted on gambling could have bought a perfectly good Ferrari, or helped pay a month's salary for some poor NHL hockey player.

Where's Wayne's conscience in all of this? No idea. But it's obviously hard for him to let go of fame. Poor "Vain" Gretzky. I don't want to remember him for being sold to the highest bidder.

And speaking of selling...


www.mindbomb.tv

For years I've wanted to take commercials and rewrite them with my own twist. Now somebody else is doing it and doing it rather well. I invite you to visit www.mindbomb.tv to discover the dark side of today's most popular commercials.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of quality mind programming...

Bush's State Of The Onion Screech

In his recent state of the union speech, President George Bush Jr. predicted a future in which US citizens will be propelling their cars with Ethanol. Wow, what a visionary! Maybe another 50 years and North Americans will have caught up to Brazil.

In the mid 1970's, Brazil began declaring its independence from foreign oil cartels and price gauging corporate pirates. When I visited Brazil in 1993, 50% of their cars were running on pure ethanol or "Alcool," which is made from sugarcane. Obviously King George II of the USA has only recently heard of it from one of his Minstrels of Science.

On this good news I speculate that perhaps one day we North Americans won't have to buy our food crop seeds from chemical companies like Dupont and Monsanto anymore either. After all, the fake seeds are only good for one crop and won't reproduce themselves — what Rev. Pat Robertson might refer to as "suicidal, anti-genesis, anti-life seeds" if he didn't own so much damned stock in it...[I'm making that up! But it's probably true]. Imagine that: one day farmers in a democracy will be allowed to grow and eat real unpatented food again.

Seems it's easier for the US to declare independence from the British than from Wall Street. So keep the faith Africa and India, fight the power! Don't let multinational chemical companies rape your homeland and turn your existence into a corporate poker game like they've already done over here.

Anyone for a cup of Monsanto's Nature's Own Herbal TeaŠ — Patent #22-708C-4226 — with a hint of cinammon, scorpion and aardvark in it? C'mon, it's better than natural. It's multi-national.


Nice Shot, Dick!

This past weekend, US vice president Dick Cheney "accidentally" shot his friend, a Texas lawyer, while "quail" hunting in Corpus Christi [hey, I was there too]. Apparently he thought that his friend and the quail were carrying weapons of mass destruction. But if he's cabable of accidentally shooting his friends, it makes me wonder what else he's capable of shooting "accidentally." His country, perhaps?

Oh, and speaking of humility: there's no such thing as a graceful exit from Iraq anymore, is there? Not with all the lies told to get the USA in there in the first place. Okay, maybe it was an "accident" too, but it was Saddam Hussein's fault for being in the line of fire on a Bush hunting trip for oil. "Oops!" they did it again, and again, and again.

Despite all that, the world remains my oyster, yet someone keeps trying to steal the pearl. I must rally the plankton. Watch the seas.

See you next month, you brave, wonderful goodlookings,

Roland Kriewaldt



Need a little Reality Check?

Need help with addiction? Read my free quit smoking ebook?

Feeling an urge to support Realitycheckers.com? Me too.


Subscribe to free newsletter
Search Realitycheckers.com