I'm Just Sayin'...

Edition #76 — December 15, 2005.

This month I'd like to cover a few topics. So instead of a long, sleep inducing newsletter, I'll give you some snack food for a change. You can jump to any section. I won't be offended.

The true meaning of Christmas.

There's too much noise about who owns Christmas these days. It's yet another symptom of the growing divide between religious fanatics and the rest of us, Satan worshipping, kitten beating non-believers. I'm annoyed with all the intolerance bubbling up from beneath the surface of Christian civility, and I won't tolerate it. So let's fight it out, tooth and nail.

Here's my opening salvo: Christmas is a Roman Holiday. The reason baby Jesus - the icon of the Christian religious cult - was conveniently "born" on December 25 (or thereabouts) is because it falls on The Winter Solstice, a major Pagan holiday. Early Christians marketers thought that it only made sense to keep the party and simply change the reason for having it.

Now, instead of celebrating the Winter Solstice with food and drink, we tip a glass of egg nog for Christian CEO and Son Of God, Jesus Christ. Hallelujah, praise the lord. Now give me my damn presents!

So Christians, be fair and return Christmas to its rightful owners, the Pagans. Get your own holiday. Or, let Jerry Falwell sell it to the highest bidding corporation so that one day we may wish others a "Merry Haliburton Day!" Don't worry, we can still decorate the Qwanza tree each year.

Selling Love By The Carat.

When it comes down to it, every tradition we celebrate is the result of good marketing. Did you know that the diamond engagement ring became a "tradition" in 1939 because the DeBeers family wanted to sell more diamonds? That's right. They called up their marketing company, NW Ayer & Partners, and suddenly diamonds are forever and DeBeers is getting at least two months salary from every man intend on showing his commitment. Now THAT'S a good scam.

Two Faced And To Die For

Most of us heard about the miraculous human face transplant surgery that occurred last month. It was a major historical event in human history, but it did not occur without its share of ironies.

The news reports didn't play up one important aspect of the story, but I will. It turns out that the woman who got the face transplant tried to kill herself with pills. Her dog, it is assumed, bit at her in an effort to wake her up. It worked. She woke up with a shredded face.

News reports said the woman had been distraught over an argument. It must have been a good one, because she decided it was a valid enough reason to end her life. This is important to note because it means that she wanted to kill herself BEFORE her face was mauled, when she was still unscarred. This means that her desire to end her life is more than just skin deep.

So this woman who wanted to kill herself wakes up to find that, much to her disappointment, not only is she still alive and kicking, but now her face is gone because her dog ate it. So understandably, she is even more depressed than before. Or so we would imagine.

Several months pass. Then, somewhere in another part of the country, another young woman attempts to kill herself but also does a lousy job. She's left brain dead, but her body lives through the ordeal. Her parents assist in donating her body parts to those in need of organs. Among the donor parts is a pleasant face looking for a new home.

Which brings us to the present. Somewhere out there exists a woman who, having failed to kill herself, is walking around with the face of a dead woman who succeeded. Is that freaky or what? You can't make up karma comedies like that - you have to get it from real life.

And I maintain that cats make better pets than dogs. Face it.

Making The Bono List.

We Canadians are being forced into another mock election. Our corrupt government was ousted recently and will no doubt be re-elected next month for lack of a better option. We also can't seem to part with our long standing tradition of electing greedy lawyers to hold power and influence over us.

I will vote for NDP leader, Jack Layton. Why? Well, I was at a party with him once. He and his wife drove their bicycles there. That's a sign of humility - and fitness. Robert Kennedy Jr. was also there. When he wasn't kissing some tall blonde girl in the stairwell, he was talking ecology. We had earlier been at another party at Clayton Ruby's house in Rosedale, a prominent Toronto lawyer who is known to defend a worthy cause or two. I don't know what all of this means, but I needed to drop some names to show off. But I guess what I'm saying is that the company we keep is a reflection of our character. And obviously Jack was in good company. Remember, I was there. That's gotta boost his image. :)

But that "goodness by association" rule doesn't always apply. This past year, U2's lead singer, Bono (aka Paul Hewson), has allowed our Prime Minister, Paul Martin, to stand next to him at some press conferences. Bono was asking Paul Martin to help end third world poverty and human suffering. (PM Martin has since reneged because he won the election). Bono must realize the irony of asking for economic justice from one of the very outlaws who exploits the weak, poor and desperate for his own personal gain. [remember, it's not slander if it's true!].

I learned a lot about Paul Martin from watching a story on our nation's TV station, CBC. So heed this, people of Red China, Afghanistan and the United States of Bush: if your tv stations can run a story about how corrupt you're nation's current leader is, then all is not lost with Democracy.

Paul, it seems, ran a shipping company that fired its Canadian crew and hired low wage labor from impoverished countries - right after he registered the company offshore to avoid paying Canadian taxes. This is while he was Minister Of Finance - and vowing to go after corporate tax evaders! How ironic.

Low expectations and living standards makes a trash can seem like a fancy restaurant. Paul Martin and people like him know this. Yet they hide their inhumanity behind that old, clichéd justification that every rich, parasitical industrialist uses to exploit and oppress others for personal gain - he wanted to "stay competitive." Yup, that's our Prime Minister for ya. He's no Ghandi, that's for sure. (I only hope I never need to ask Paul for a favor. Oh well, there's always Dick Cheney).

That Bono, U2's charismatic frontman, is appealing to the most greedy, selfish and power hungry individuals in the world to stop taking and start giving is an admirable feat. But Bono doesn't need my admiration. He's a great entertainer and delivers the goods. He is not in the shallow business of making empty promises.

This made me think about how politicians must envy rock stars, and especially Bono, since he is both hugely famous and adored the world over for conveying an aura of integrity. He has made good from being good. He is a rare commodity in a world fraught with negativity and corruption.

It's understandable why politicians might be jealous of Bono, since they have to hustle for years to get even half as much recognition, and that's only within their own nation. But there will always be differences between the people we love freely, and those who must buy our love with empty promises at election time.

To help point out those differences, I've made a list:

When Bono sings, people listen to his words because they are deeply felt and meaningful. They enlighten us. When a politician speaks, he speaks in vague platitudes, promising the same tax breaks and national security that every other ambitious candidate before him did. His words are purposefully shallow and meaningless to keep us in the dark.

When Bono uses his creative license to make something up, it's generally true. When a politician gets creative, it's usually to cover up the truth.

When people pay $100 a ticket to see Bono, they feel good afterward. When people pay to see a politician speak, they're expecting a piece of the action. And you won't find 20,000 of them in every major city around the world.

When Bono started making his fortune, he did so by giving something of himself that made others feel better.When a politician makes a fortune, it's usually by taking it from someone else. Rock stars have had to open offshore bank accounts only because politicians are after their money.

When Bono sings, they are his own words, and he doesn't change them based upon what public opinion polls are saying. When a politician speaks, his every word is suspicious. Careful consideration is given to offending the least number of voters. If that means lying, so be it.

So remember, if you're Canadian, it's your duty to vote next month. Or is that our doody? Who knows.

In the meantime, Happy Holidays and everything else in between. And don't forget, my book Reality Check makes a great "after Christmas" gift. And you who are about to quit smoking, don't forget to read my free eBook to help you quit.

I wish you all a very merry Exxon-McDonalds-Panasonic Day, and a Happy New Earth Spin.
Roland Kriewaldt



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