A Letter Of Insult To Your Sanity.

Edition #75 — November 16, 2005.



Mr. Al Quaida
General Delivery
Afghanistan


Dear Mr. Al Quaida: First off, please forward my congratulations to your third cousin, Al-Zarqawi, on his recent suicide bombing success in Jordan. I know that maiming and killing others is one of God's highest callings. This will surely propel him toward sainthood. I know that many of us here in the west were impressed and even a bit envious that we couldn't share in his glory.

Well, it has been four years since you sent those boys off to destroy the World Trade Center in New York. As I'm sure you're aware, many lives were lost and there was much suffering in the aftermath. Again, congratulations on your great success. But I'm sure you don't need my accolades. You are a pop star, second only to Hitler. And as you know, he couldn't dance.

I know that "9/11" has brought a new prosperity and happiness to your country as never before. I hope that someday we will all be using your methods of terror and intimidation to improve our lives and strengthen our bonds with God. As a matter of fact, I want to recover a piece of music gear which the borrower has shown no interest in returning for quite some time — can you perhaps suggest a small, all-purpose explosive to send him a reminder? Just to maim, not kill. He's a good guy.

My letter to you comes in reply to your recent recruitment letter "Join Us Now, Non-Believers - Or Perish Like The Pigs That You Are!" which I received in the mail. The stunning graphics and content were definitely "on message" with just enough humor to keep things light and friendly. Your offer is very tempting, yet I find myself a little concerned for my own well being. You see, I'm not a devout Radical Fundamentalist Muslim. In fact, I'm not even religious at all. I'm just spiritual. And I realize that it's all about the name and the clothes. I fear that in the future, once you've assumed control of the world, I may find myself marginalized or even punished for what I believe. This concerns me, as I'm sure you can understand.

I wanted to let you know beforehand that I'm actually a pretty good guy. I don't really hate others or get into fist fights. I don't drink alcohol or do drugs, and I gave up smoking cigarettes long ago. I don't even fornicate anymore since the prices went up. In my own estimation, I'm a pretty clean guy. But again, I'm not a practising Radical Fundamentalist Muslim, so I realize that this could create problems for me in the future.

I'm willing to convert to whatever you want in order to save my life. At least until I can blow myself up in a public place. That said, on your application form to join the Al Quaida Nation of Love, there are some things in the fine print which are unclear to me. I have some questions and concerns. I hope you can help guide me through this process by answering them.

1. Should we always kill to win an argument? If so, what skills should I learn to become a better negotiator under your rule? As it is, I have to surrender to my superiors in the West already. We have a police "force" which beats, imprisons and sometimes even kills those who disagree with our superiors, so I'm used to being under the control of a civilian militia already. I just need to know how to avoid persecution by your own security forces.

I'm also wondering, do all Muslims have to kill non-Muslims, or is it just those who are chosen by God who get the honor? Should we kill just Non-Believers, or Christians and Jews and Hindus? Aren't Christians guaranteed protection? If so, I could convert to Christianity in the meantime — just so it looks good on paper. Later, I will switch teams and put on the new uniform. And let me add, I'm getting tired of jeans and baseball caps. I'm ready for a Muslim makeover.

2. Is your God a bad guy or is he okay? If there is only one God, then I don't mind calling him Allah or Al, or anything you'd like me to — especially at gunpoint, ha ha... But I'm just wondering about his temper. I didn't like the Christian God because he made me feel ashamed and broken for being alive. He made me doubt myself and fight against my own nature. Do I also have to think of myself as damaged goods in order to experience the deep, undying paternal love of Allah, or am I going to get an upgrade? I hope that I can still judge others though — it's too much fun to give up. Besides, everybody's doing it.

I guess I'm wondering if your God is the same God, or is he a brother, a relative, or a different deity altogether? Also, is he going to make me go out and commit murders to scare others out of thinking for themselves or expressing their thoughts in public? This is something I'm really afraid of because I have a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself. Will this offend Allah? After all, I can hide from the religious police, but I can't hide from God. I'm sure you can appreciate my concern. I don't want to make any mistakes. Is there a brainwashing program you can suggest to help me achieve the proper state of mind faster? If so, I prefer CDs now. My cassette player just broke.

Mr. Quaida, I know you were personally asked by God to kill Non-believers, but what about this "Thou Shalt Not Kill" and "Do Unto Others" business? Is any of that in the Koran as well? If so, then should I kill only when it's for a "good" reason — non-believer, or perhaps a disobedient wife or daughter? And let's say that I treat myself very well. If I meet an American non-believer, should I treat him likewise, or should I treat him poorly? I'm confused about this part of religion in general. Can you please shed some light on the subject. I'm trying to fill out this Al Quaida Citizenship Application Form and I could use a quick reply.

Oh, and one final question:

3. What will the world look like under your rule? I missed a lot of things growing up. I went to school, ate breakfast, lunch and supper until I was full, had a toilet with clean running water, and I watched the Flintstones every day when I came home from school to eat my lunch. (Lunch? That's a meal eaten between breakfast and dinner). Will I have to give up any of my comforts to join your forces? What's the Al Quaida national dish, or favorite cuisine? I don't like goat cheese, by the way. And do you have Silk Chocolate Milk there, or can it be imported?

I know, I'm probably a bit naive for believing that I had a pretty good childhood. Silly, considering that I've never been to a public stoning of a "disgraced" woman, or attended the wedding of my teenage sister to a man old enough to be her grandfather. Are these things as fun as they sound? Do you have a national sport there? Send me some brochures about the things I will be enjoying once I join your winning team. Perhaps this will interest a few of my friends, too. We love to be in the sun and travel abroad. I'll also try to find some people who are suicidal, which I know helps your cause as well.

I don't want to make this too long. I'm just wondering if there will be a place for me in your paradise? I agree that fear, destruction, and hatred are the only way to make the world a better place. I know that I could get used to the occasional explosion interrupting my meals when dining out. I think if you dress for it, then it's just like any other day in paradise.

As I'm sure my letter reveals, I'm afraid that I'm still a little too "westernized" for your liking. I hope you can assist me in changing my perspective over to something more reasonable in the eyes of God. I know you're busy planning your next holy act, but any word from you will help to set my mind at ease.

Thank You, Mr. Quaida. And send my best wishes to your family and especially to your pregnant niece. Only thirteen, and already a productive woman. Praise Allah. You must be proud.

Sincerely, Roland Kriewaldt


P.S. Your email's been down for a while. Is there a problem with your internet connection? I understand you're with TerrorNet.com — are they as good as they say, price-wise? I'll have to move my entire website over to your local servers soon I imagine. These Non-Believers won't have me once word gets out.

I hope you'll let me keep my website. After all, I'm doing it for God. Oh sorry, Allah, I mean. Don't kill me, okay?

Please note: This letter is not meant as a slight against Islam, but rather against those who use religion for personal gain or to satisfy their lust for power over others. God help them.

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