Edition #72 — August 19, 2005

I've been busy working on my music and there's no shortage of ideas in that area. Yet I've come up short on finding a grandiose, definitive and enlightening theme for this month's newsletter. So I've decided to *bull-Schmitt my way out of it with a collection of rants.

These are some insights and knee jerk reactions to various current events, from the tedious to the terrifying. It gives me a chance to flex my highly underdeveloped anger muscles a bit too. Grrrrrrrr. Besides, a cynic once told me that being too happy is bad for your health. He must be right because those bastards seem to live forever, don't they?

RANT #1 - Gun Control

There's a gang turf war going on in Toronto right now. Twelve people shot to death in the last few weeks. Chances are, if you're not in a gang, you've got nothing to worry about except dodging a few stray bullets now and then from some kid with bad aim. No biggee.

The police are handling the problem by increasing the police "force" - new job creation is their only response to rising public fear. They're temporarily increasing their presence in troubled neighborhoods while our politicians are yacking about gun control this, registered weapons that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In other words, the usual dog-Schmitt. They know they're totally helpless...they just don't want the rest of us to catch on.

But how do you deter an inflamed ego and wounded pride from seeking revenge? Hmmm. Now there's a historical problem...

Ironically, a few weeks ago police shut down a local factory that was manufacturing "illegal" guns without serial numbers, etc. They're the kind of guns not legally sanctioned as murder weapons... Now realistically, if I'm a gang member, am I actually going to register my weapon and join the local chapter of the United Brotherhood of Hitmen's Union before I go out and "pop" someone's sorry ass? Get Real, law enforcement dude!

If I wanted to kill someone, I'd have a million ways to do it (thanks to television's endless supply of killing inspiration). Hammers and baseball bats are great for all occasions. Even a shovel will do in a pinch. If it comes down to weapons, those politicians better start registering butter knives, screwdrivers and fist-sized rocks from the garden as well.

The problem stems from choosing violence to counteract our emotional pain. That, and having a disrespect for life because we think the world is against us. Murder is not about one's choice of a weapon. Duh! You only have to look to video games, television violence, and the war in Iraq to see how we are being conditioned into making things "right" through the use of violent force — even when our right is often terribly wrong. And thanks to George W. Bush, we're also learning how to kill without remorse...

As for street gangs, I don't see how two cops sitting in a squad car all night in a bad neighborhood is going to affect the outcome of a gunshot wound ten blocks away at a house party. What do they think, these guys are gonna chase each other around the squad cars? Get real!

RANT #2 - Alternative Fuels And The Oil Dynasty

When I was in Brazil in 1993 I was amazed to discover that this supposed "third world country" has been using 100% sugar cane ethanol to propel 50% of its nation's automobiles. Yup, sugar cane, baby! They replaced gasoline with a sustainable, organic form of fuel back in the mid 1970's when the "oil shortage" was causing the economic enslavement of anyone who owned a car, or an oil furnace.

So why the hell am I sitting here in Canada in 2005, one of these supposed "first world" countries, listening to news reports about the price of a barrel of oil skyrocketing to sixty dollars? Why should it even matter anymore? And on the rare occasion I do hear a news report about ethanol, they make is sound as though mixing 10% of it into our regular gasoline somehow constitutes some high-priestly form of modern technology that only we, the privileged and technologically-evolved few North Americans, have access to. More dog-Schmitt. We're being duped! We're only as smart as we're allowed to be...

Let's face it, we're being screwed by the oil companies and their shareholders. Why is wanna-be oilman George W. Bush (and North American governments in general) supporting the decimation of the Alaskan wilderness for a few dirty, smog-creating barrels of a fast depleting resource rather than starting up massive sugar cane ethanol plants in Florida? Hey, you can use corn too, you big palooka!!! It's also a great excuse to give some of those displaced farmers their land back...

It's important to note that when a child goes to the bathroom by himself the first time, that's considered progress. After that, it's just considered maintenance. Are we making actual progress, or are we still just applauding our first big poop?

Maybe we should think about a bicycle revolt. No more gas guzzling cars to the corner store! And that means you gang bangers too - no more drive-by shootings unless it's done on a good, sturdy bicycle using a properly registered handgun. Oh, and wear a helmet for safety.

IS IT ME OR...?

  • ... Is unreality TV's sex-prop Jessica Simpson starting to look a little too much like David Lee Roth in some of her Dukes of Hazzard promo shots? (without his presence, talent or charisma, of course). Soon, she'll be old, stretched and mangy-lookin' just like that Pamela Anderson, and we'll have to find another dumb blonde stunt person to replace her as the icon of perfected American womanhood. Shallow boots to fill with television as their judge.

  • ... Can we expect Ashlee Simpson (Jessica's sister) to also lip sync the two songs on her upcoming album which recount her ego-crushing lip syncing fiasco last fall on Saturday Night Live? But what does it matter if people really sing live these days? After all, her first album went triple platinum. Back in 1990, Milli Vanilli was HUGE, and they didn't even sing their own stuff in the studio. Imagine the economic meltdown the world would experience if we took sex and deceit out of advertising. Or out of everything we do. Eek. Scary.

  • ... Do those Karaoke-killers on American Idol who belt out long-dead classics make us yearn for the days of Donny & Marie Osmond? Hey, they sucked too, but at least they were good at it. How many more seasons of American Idol before we realize that you can't make legends out of old shredded newspaper and some white glue? Again, producers are praising the God of Tweens.

  • ... Has it been over 30 degrees celsius all summer in North America or am I going through male menopause? Droughts, polar ice melting, crops drying up, and still poor ol' George Dubya can't read his ranch thermometer. "Global WORMing, you said? There pills for that, right?" It's sad that we actually NEED a global catastrophe as an excuse to cut down on poisoning our planet. I think we're going to get one soon. How many rainless summers can we survive hiding in Walmart and KFC? Why can't we just do what's right because it's the only choice we have?

  • ... Has the number of mosquitos actually increased over the last two years since "they" (Freemasons? CIA? Board of Education?) started poisoning the air and water to kill West Nile Virus carrying mosquito larvae? Here, have another wasted paycheque, courtesy of the taxpayer. Oh, and don't worry about the Leukemia, that'll pass with death. Just get those damn pesky mosquitos outta my back yard!

  • ... Does it seem a little tardy that NASA says it can send an emergency shuttle rescue mission into space in about 35 days? THIRTY FIVE days? Why not 35 minutes? I'd hate to be sitting in a broken down space craft with a week's supply of oxygen left, waiting to die. But that's just me...maybe I'm not thinking straight.

  • ... Does it seem that nobody actually cares about Saddam Hussein — that evil dictator/villain who was aiding terrorists and would one day take over the world with his massive cache of weapons of mass destruction? Truth is, he could walk away from all this with a speeding ticket, and no one would even notice, or care because most are too busy being patriotic and fighting, um, you know...terrorism, or something, for Haliburton, um...I mean America.

  • ... Do TV commercials blatantly lie to us? Recently I saw a television ad for "Nuclear Energy" - no doubt propaganda paid for by private shareholders of these Hiroshima-leftover Generators. The ad claimed that we, the consumer, were "unclear" about "nuCLEAR" energy. How witty. They claimed that we didn't realize that nuclear energy is "clean" and "reliable." Maybe the facts of Chernobyl and Three Mile Island are clouding the "clean" issue. And as for reliable, I just have to remember August 14, 2003, when millions in Canada and the USA lost their electricity due to an unreliable power grid. Furthermore, we have several broken down reactors here in Ontario, Canada, some are down for years and not worth rehabilitating. I'm sure that's the story in most countries with nuCLEAR generators. Reliable, my uranium-enriched ass! Oh, and China is a pillar of democracy, Hitler was a righteous, god fearin' dude, and George W. Bush is the president of the United States. Now c'mon, be reasonable...

  • ... Are you overdue for owning a copy of my book, Reality Check? Here, let me help you out of this serious reality log jam: BUY IT, NOW!

    Each book is "clean" and "reliable" *AND, if you buy several copies, you will win the lottery, become famous, dine with royalty, have great abdominal musles, multiple orgasms, new shoes, whiter teeth, and a full, thick, head of hair that looks perfect from the moment you get out of bed in the morning. Sound good? Get yours today!

*Rather than using the word "sh*t" I thought I'd honor the Schmitts of the world instead, especially rapper Eminem's relatives, who claim he promised them a free $350,000 house and $100,000 dollars a year for five years just for like, well, being his relatives. Now they're suing him because, well, he didn't fall for it. So remember, if you want to get rich, sue a rich relative for lack of "relative support." What a bunch of BullSchmitt. I figure if they couldn't spell "Schmidt" properly, like a real Arien, then they had it coming! Eat Schmitt!
**Results may vary. Some claims are made solely for the purpose of selling the product without regard or remorse for the outcome. Also note that the book can be used as a dangerous, unregistered weapon to inflict painful, stinging paper cuts on your Axis of Evil enemies, or Iran. Lemon juice not included.

I know...I know — I'm cute when I'm angry. I'll see you guys and gals next month. No Schmitt.

Roland.


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