A Supplement To Newsletter #62

Edition #62b — October 27, 2004

I've decided to include a supplement to my monthly newsletter, which I'd sent out early last week to hopefully sway one or two undecided voters to put Kerry into office. This supplement includes information I have received from some very reliable sources who, unfortunately, I cannot name. It spells out what amounts to a doomsday scenario for the United States and eventually Canada and the western world. And it all begins at election time.

What I've heard is this:

If George W. Bush is voted in for a second term, he will officially declare a theocracy in the United States. Everyone will be forced to convert to Christianity — mormons, jews, and especially Muslims. If they don't convert, they will be taken to labour camps in Georgia and other bible belt States. Many will be crucified, others will be put on slave ships to work in third world clothing factories for Walmart.

In a surprise move, Bush will oust Dick Cheney, siting baldness as the reason, and call upon the talents and full hair of soon-to-be pardoned ex-political prisoner Saddam Hussein. Hussein, being groomed for the job since the early 1980's, will be in charge of the US weapons cache and given a huge military budget to amass more US weapons of mass destruction. Promised a kickback of 15% on all government spending, his first assignment will be to mustard gas Democrats throughout the country, and to imprison those with higher IQs. MENSA members will be stoned at the Washington Monument each Sunday, after church.

Hussein will also be head of the new Ministry of Book Burnings. Two types of books will be officially sanctioned: the new Testament — which includes the new Bush spellings — and any memoirs written by Republican radio personalities and televangelical celebrities. Bush will head the new Republican Book Club. His "thumbs up", it's been said, will create bestsellers. Or else. Bush himself is also reportedly working on an autobiography entitled, Mein Comfort (über alles!).

So That's Where You Were Hiding!

In another shocker, Bush will be calling upon former rival Osama Bin Laden to bring in a new era of respect for God, who they've mutually agreed to call "Al". The renaming was a compromise to Osama's religious upbringing and to make "HIM" seem friendlier to the general public as his angry wrath crushes the sinners, whores, devils — and democrats — who have turned the good ol' US of A into a modern day "Saddam And Granola" as Bush so studiously noted.

Which adds another point: all words in the American English Dictionaries will be changed to reflect the way George W. Bush says them. This is non-negotiable. School children will be graded harshly for messing up "the new spelling" as it's being heralded. Girls will be stoned in the public square; boys will be severely reprimanded.

No More Shaving...

Though completely unclear what role Bin Laden will hold besides Minister Of Enforced Religious Studies, he is being given a large budget for the purchase of black, course, itchy fabric. There have been rumours afloat that Versace and other fashion houses around the world have been tapped to design an American style bourka for US women which accents their increasingly fuller breasts. But under the official guidebook for the oppression of women, only one opening is allowed on the entire face of the garment. Bush has noted he favors moving the opening away from the eyes down to the cleavage area, saying that the slits would be roughly the same size and just needed to be "slunkered down justa notcher two, is all". A global positioning device would be included to offset the loss in the visual field, and Bush felt women could simply memorize how many steps it takes to get from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Subsequently, the word slunkered became another official American word replacing both "adjusted" and "relocated", both of which were under M in the new Bush Dictionary.

Osama, reputedly the Middle East's most under-developed man (if you know what I mean), has used his fear of rejection and humiliation to fuel his hatred for "those stupid white liberal bitches!" as he refers to all women, regardless of their race or political leanings. He has also vowed to get even by making Oprah Winfrey the official cook for the new Bush mansion in Georgia, which will also host a 70,000 acre hunting range where Republican senators and foreign dignitaries can come out and shoot stray dogs, the homeless, drug addicts, and democrats.

Yes, it seems as though November 3, 2004 will usher in a great new era for the Unighted States of Uh'Merica if Bush is re-elected. I've toned it down from the original version as told to me, but I think it paints a clear picture. Meet the new boss — same as the old boss! Four more years is a lot of time to mess things up so bad that they can't be repaired for the next 50, or more. Take the national debt for instance: you think all that military spending aimed at killing foreigners is going to be redirected back to the US health care system to save Americans? Surely, you jest.

This is actually the "best case" scenario. The worst is that someone who hates Americans even more because of George Bush will try to nuke him — while he's standing in the middle of New York. Hope not. Canada's too damned close, whether we're with Bush, or against him.

I vote against. "Al" bless us, everyone,

Roland Kriewaldt, The Occasionally Serious.

Here is the link to the real newsletter, hope the one above made you smile, or shudder. :)


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