More Keyboard Kaos

Edition #38 — 20 Nov 2002

This Month On Dr. Phil: Anger Management.

Last month's newsletter was written weeks in advance. It gave me time to consider what impact my words might have on one person especially: the guy I was writing about. You see, he's on my mailing list. "Was" I should say, because I unsubscribed him now. Figured it makes it less vindictive on my part.)

Last month? Sure, it was opportunistic of me, but it was also a test. I'd recently learned that "88 Fingers Picasso" may still have my keyboard since he'd just finished recording a song that required its use. This refutes his earlier claim that he'd sold it at a pawn shop. That was right before I went on tour. This new evidence suggests he's lying. Not a surprise, really.

Bottom line is: I had to know — or at least get this nagging story out of my system. Talking to him was pointless because he just hangs up on me whenever he gets flustered or runs out of excuses. Diplomacy is a wasted effort because he doesn't speak the language. Figured I'd take the backdoor into his brain, jostle his pride a little. And it worked.

A day later the poor guy emails me back all indignant-like, demanding I remove October's newsletter from my public archive — guess he wasn't enjoying all the free press. Censoring Realitycheckers isn't an option, let alone within the jurisdiction of outsiders. Not once did he mention returning what he'd taken from me. All he did was demand even more. I denied his request.

GUILT 101: — Faking Your Opponent Into Regret

The shocker was his attitude — gimme more! I've witnessed him weasel out of many normally humbling situations by feigning the moral high ground. He makes abusing trust seem like a sacred charitable act he bestows upon the worthy. Others feel guilty for demanding what he's promised — quite a salesman, really. When confronted by those he tried to avoid because he owed them something, he'd make them feel bad for asking. The poor me/selfish you routine. And it sold like hotcakes. Kept my keyboard in his custody. Live and learn...

Funny thing is, he was trying to do it to me again. Hoping he'd found a loophole to exploit, he suggested that you, my readership, might like to know where all my "loot" had come from.

Tens years ago I had a telemarketing job that wasn't exactly honest — must be an epidemic? I made some money: some I spent, some I lost, some I gave away and some was stolen by people I trusted. None of the music equipment that he'd taken from me fell under that protective umbrella of having been "ill-financed" by this shady job. I had to decline his application for guilt exemption.

His grasping at straws and never dealing with the situation shows me that he doesn't really "gets it", yet. Everybody's got their mountain to climb. I think the whole betrayal concept is way over his head, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to justify it to me.

Rolling Up My Sleeves

As for me, I'm a guy with trust issues. I have no business lying if I want to live in an honest world. I grew tired of insincerity years ago. You could say I'm in "moral rehab." Obviously I didn't become immune to dishonesty, but I'm seeing more people around me who honor friendship and trust, and don't abuse it. It's a good sign.

I rolled up my sleeves years ago and started cleaning up my act. What used to be "business as usual" is now morally reprehensible to me. When it comes to lying, I'm like an ex-smoker stumbling upon a tobacco advertiser slipping cigarettes to underage kiddies. I'm certainly far from perfect, with much left to strive for. But at least I'm seeing some results for my efforts. Perfection is still far off. but I do what I can to accelerate my progress.

As for discussing my weaknesses — my newsletters attest to my boldness. When I "expose" myself I think it helps others feel stronger. Either they recognize themselves in my words, or they at least know someone else also has a child's heart beating beneath a calloused adulthood veneer. Pretending is so hard. I don't need the extra work...

Pride Before The Fall

Let's face it: false pride — what defends our egos — sucks! Self righteousness is a dangerous toy in the hands of those who think they've earned it. I offered to let my old friend return my keyboard and clear his conscience yet he chose the exit ramp onto a bumpy, secondary road. Maybe I'll see him on the main highway again, someday.

Experience also tells me that he'll have more opportunities to polish the shine on his image. After all, that's what all of us are here for: to get it right, eventually. Hopefully he'll have rolled up his sleeves by then. I bid him well.

I think, in the end, this is about me. I can take one of two paths. I could use my past experiences, and my own past actions towards others as a sign that I should become even less trusting of people. Need a hand? Forget it! Need to borrow something? Get lost! I could get really jaded, from just that one keyboard episode alone, not to mention my back catalogue of 40 years experience of hanging around with all manner of human beings.

But instead I find myself opening up more and more. I doubt less. I trust more — despite the fact that life seems to be suggesting that I shut down that part of myself. But as I said last month — being paranoid makes life feel too restrictive and prison-like.

But that doesn't mean I should ignore my intuition when it's telling me: FORGET IT! It's like the time I gave money to a street woman and 15 minutes later I saw her buying lottery tickets in a convenience store. There's no crime in being needy. But when people start snatching wallets from your hand because the dollar you're offering isn't enough...well, that ain't my side of the street anymore.

A little more food for thought. Hope you enjoy the meal.

See ya next month — no, honestly!
R o l a n d K r i e w a l d t


Subscribe to free newsletter
Search Realitycheckers.com