Tis The Season To Be Jolly?

Edition #113 — December 12, 2008.

Anger is my least favorite emotion next to fear, and today I feel it. My reasons for it are silly. For one thing, the salesman at Sears lied to me about the cost of my order. But that's not reason enough to warrant the foul, emotional stench emanating from my being. This feels contagious and I don't want to start a chain reaction - "I'm having a bad day; so will you!"

I don't like being angry because I'm generally a happy, hopeful and optimistic person. Anger is a distraction to my quest for joy. Anger gets in my way. Now some folks seem to thrive on anger and chronic negativity, but that's not for me. I like making noticeable progress in my life, whether emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or material, and that requires not only effort but a hope and trust in that progress can actually be made. Positive and negative emotions don't blend well in my psyche and I'm disturbed whenever I feel neutralized by the weight of anger.

2008 — The Year That Sucked?

Fortunately, tied to my temporary anchor of doom and gloom is also the sense that everything will work out okay, eventually. I dread what it must be like to believe otherwise. I need my hope. It gets me through that occasional incredible heaviness of being.

Perhaps something more is to blame for these dark feelings, besides my own private disenchantments. I must say that if ever there was a gloomy year, 2008 was it. So many "bad" things happened this year, whether to me or to someone I care about. Yet there were also victories, such as the election of the first black US president, as well as my own continuing symptoms of progress.

I've made some great strides this year, but without an accompanying state of nirvana as one might expect. Perhaps it's my growing mastery of detachment to events. Yet it seems to go against the forumla of GET SOMETHING = HAPPINESS. I appreciate the gift of having a dream and the means to pursue it. But then, as John Lennon once sang: "Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These...Strange Days Indeed". Luckily they do pass, and rather quickly since inspiration is always pulling me up the next slope. I would dread to see them stay around, as I know they do for some people.

Hitting Home

It's been a tumultuous year, emotionally. Good things have happened when I was feeling crappy, or crappy things have happened when I was feeling good. The biggest drain emotionally was my mom being diagnosed with breast cancer and the ensuing months of treatment. There was the uncertainty of not knowing how serious it was and the dread that this may lead to the death of someone very dear and important to me. It's different when you see it on the news...That's something I learned this year.

It will be Christmas when my mom finally finishes the last of her radiation treatments. I'm sure she'll be relieved, as will our family who have watched helplessly from the sidelines during the diagnosis and treatment process. I still remember my mother's incredulous voice the day before her first chemo treatment. She was telling me how good she felt and it made no sense to undergo the agonizing cruelty of chemotherapy — a form of biological warfare that is supposed to rid the body of roaming cancer cells. Later, as I watched her health and vitality decline as a result of this barbaric treatment, I felt angry that we are still stuck in the medical dark ages and that our treatments are often as dangerous as the disease itself. Did you know that prescription medicine is the fourth highest leading cause of death in the United States? No surprise when pharmaceutical drugs are advertised in the same way as cars, beer and cigarettes. But then again, there's a new treatment being perfected that utilizes sound waves to kill tumors. Music that saves...

And so in closing, I must admit that much of 2008 hasn't been sitting well with me. This year owes me and many others an apology. Even Stephen Colbert stated that "2008 Sucked" — and I consider him an authority. :)

But have no fear, 2009 is already on the way. And like you, I continue to do as I do, whether rain or shine, anger or joy. Going on is what I do. It's what we all do. Thank God for that — or whomever you wish to commend for our drive to thrive.

There are more trials ahead. That's what life seems to be all about: an endless obstacle course to ward off sleep. After all, there will be time to rest, someday. In the meantime, let us enjoy our earthly adventures, even if at times they leave us feeling a little angry. Grrrr. As long as it doesn't become a hobby, a little wobble in our swagger helps keep a sense of balance in our world view and perspective.

May you have a joyful and prosperous New Year. And most of all, a dream and the passion to pursue it.

 

All the best,

Roland Kriewaldt, 2008


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